Taken with Instagram at The Promenade, Greenhills

anyone who says only sunshine can bring happiness has never danced in the rain. ☔ (Taken with instagram)

Homemade scramble! 🍧 (Taken with instagram)

sunset @ Siloso Beach, Sentosa Island. (Taken with instagram)

Organizing my belt collection 😘 early morning productivity! 🎀 (Taken with instagram)

Visited the monastery today. Sr. Stella’s gift.☺ (Taken with Instagram at Mary Consolatrix of the Eucharist Monastery)

antidepressant + late afternoon rain = tagay!! :p (Taken with instagram)

summer 2012 (Taken with GifBoom)

young, wild and free. 💃 (Taken with instagram)

Me and my brother years back. Time flies. Found this framed at my grandparents’ room. 😢👫 (Taken with instagram)

 Photo courtesy: Gossip Girl

I feel like every little thing’s kind of messed up right now and it’s so hard to put everything back to normal. I’m not acting like an emo kid ok? I just want to express how I feel ‘cause honestly these past few days had been really hard on me. And usually, when things go crazy (like this) I don’t usually talk it out (my friends knew that already that’s why sometimes they say I’m gettin’ difficult to handle with). When things are getting serious and loaded like this, I just want to shut up and cave in. The reason why I always have to work out extremely intense in the late afternoon so that I could easily retire early in the evening. I don’t want other people to get involved in my crazy, emo shit, whatever you may call that.

Possibly, the reason why a lot of people can’t understand me because I really, truly, sincerely don’t want to open my mouth and discuss these things with people even those who are closest to me. And what’s the sense of explaining right? When they already have their own false conlusions carved in their head which no matter what you say or how elaborated your explanation was, it won’t matter to them anymore.

Getting to my point. It’s so hard especially when you get disappointed by that one MAN whom you thought would never ever hurt you. Well, that was my thought when I was a kid. But as I grow up, there are just lots of things that’s happening and sometimes, it’s becoming too vague and chiseled that even google can’t find an answer. I just can’t understand my dad. And the changes he placed upon himself, really did hurt a lot you know. As much as I didn’t want to think about it, it’s affecting me a lot. And the more I try to ignore, the more it’s been driving me insane. Maybe that was the reason why these past few days I’ve been bombarded with nightmares that would wake me up usually at around 2-3 am. I usually wake up really scared.

Actually, there are lots of issues hitting me right in front of my face right now, not just about my dad.

Lately, a long-forgotten feeling has been revisiting me. That worst feeling of hurt (I could never Imagine how I was able to surpass) I’d encountered two years ago. when V (V for Voldemort,”he who shall not be named”) and I broke up. V is my first love. He and I broke up on a Valentine’s day, it was tragic.

(ANTI-VALENTINES! —->my blog entry when we broke up. click for the link)

When he and I broke up, you could never imagine how I tried to destroy myself. It was the first time in my life to feel that kind of pain. And it was slowly killing me then. I was depressed. Literally.I couldn’t eat. I could remember my numbness  during one dinner when I was unconsciously staring blankly on my empty plate, of course I didn’t realize what I was doing until my mom called my attention.

It was the first time. I never thought those kind of things I could see in movies could happen in real life too.

I remember those terrible days I had to go through, each day I had to drink and chug the bottles of beers, hard liquor just because I want to feel numb, I didn’t want to lie wide awake at night not feeling sleepy at all (just like what I did a week after that unfateful day). Thanks to my cousins (Ate Nikka, Oman and Kuya Rap) who never left and who patiently accompanied me.

I remember that time when I first learned about V’s accident that I bravely went running to him and after I found out his lies, I cried in front of his mom who was equally tearful at that time. I left and my highschool friends allowed me to wallow and took me to the beach and we drank ourselves down.

I remember snatching that hard premium liquor and chugging half of it until all my senses shut down but I couldnt escape the pain that’s been hurting me a lot. Upon waking up an hour later, I burst into tears and my bestfriend Ken embraced me real hard. Probably because it was the first time after 15 years of friendship that he had seen me so broken. I was. I remember everything. Vividly. Up until now. And whenever these thoughts came up, there’s this hidden fear and frustration that suddenly drowns my sanity. It was really frustrating ‘cause sometimes I cant help but think that I already had the best time of my life (with him of course) and will no longer be able to experience that feeling of vibrance and love.

A lot of things happened already. Months after that, my bestfriend and my brother left me. Permanently. It was the second shot I had to go through that year. (blog post: THE BREAKING NEWS and GOODBYE FOREVER)

So I guess this explains a lot. About my sudden frustrations. my unexplainable sadness. my trust issues. my complicated, crazy personality most of people cant truly understand. And even with the people I trust and care about who worn out my trust and confidence in them just add up to my disappointments. Like Ate Nita, my helper since college whom I truly considered like a family but yet had the guts to betray me and all. Hayyy… what a sad soul.

home (Taken with instagram)